As you (and I'm not sure I'm addressing anyone other than myself) might have noticed, I didn't write a 1475 log entry. That's because JW and I have ended our relationship. It happened Tuesday May 8th, 2007. It's an ending, but also a beginning. I'm excited by the prospects of beginning anew, relationship-wise (though my limited efforts to date have yielded nothing), but also sad that I'm not able to see JW. We've decided to be friends down the road; unfortunately any emotional ties must first be broken.
There isn't much to write about, because I found that I had a terrible time getting myself motivated to do almost anything right after the break-up. I'm getting better, but I've still not read anything (and I mean anything); I haven't watched any TV or movies (save golf and a few episodes of The Simpsons); I haven't gone out to do anything other than yoga; I haven't eaten out, save wings; I haven't played any video games or downloaded anything off of the Internet. Pretty much the only thing I've done is look for a car.
Buying a car is a big decision, especially in this environmental era. I've been looking forward my entire life to one day having my own car. I could've gotten one years ago, but I've been biding my time, waiting until I could afford something with a bit of pep - something that will make driving a pleasure. Now that I've gotten there (here), I find myself completely determined to get a fuel-efficient, low-pollution car. Really, I'm trying to find both.
I've looked at the Honda Civic, the Toyota Corolla, the Nissan Sentra, the Hyundai Elantra, the Hyundai Tiburon, the Pontiac G5 and the Ford Focus. The Toyota Corolla is the greenest of the bunch, but also the least exciting. Its looks are bland and uninspired - I've read that no one steals them, because no one can see them. They have poor performance. The Hyundai Tiburon is the only real sports car in the bunch, but I simply can't fit in it - the roof is too low. It's also the most expensive, and the least green. The Nissan Sentra and Honda Civic are both nicer-looking, slightly more-powerful, slightly less green, and slightly more expensive versions of the Corolla. In the end, they are common cars that get you from A to B, but they leave little room for personality. You're one of the masses if you buy them.
The Ford Focus is cheaper than most, but also smaller and less powerful. It's also less green. The Hyundai Elantra is worse in all ways than the Sentra or Civic, so I quickly crossed it off my list. It's also very tight - I barely fit, and it wasn't comfortable.
The last car I saw was the Pontiac G5. I was immediately impressed. It's not Japanese, so it won't hold it's value well. That's the only bad news. It's mileage is not far from that of the Corolla. It's the cheapest car of the lot, but also the most powerful. It's fairly roomy, with a huge trunk. It has a sporty look to it - not as bland as the others - not beautiful, but not too bad. Even better, the top of the line model, which comes with air conditioning, ABS brakes, a good sound system, audio controls on the steering wheel, a sports package, and more power (in fact, power close to that of the Tiburon), is no more expensive than the entry level Corolla I looked at. This is in large part due to the fact that my father knows one of the salesmen, but the car really is quite cheap. They also have a student discount. It's four thousand dollars cheaper than the Civic, for MUCH more car. So, at the moment, it's the frontrunner if I am to go new.
If I'm to go used, it'll likely be my Aunt's four year old Saturn Ion. It's comparable to a Civic or Corolla. I could get it for about eight thousand. It would be a little over a third the cost of the G5, but it will undoubtedly cost more to maintain. Still, a used car will definitely be cheaper. However, I would take no pride in driving it. I feel like I'm in my prime driving years - soon (I hope), I will have a family, and I'll probably be forced to buy a large car or van. I'll have more bills - I might have to go used at that time. Now might be the right time to spend a bit of money on myself for the sake of happiness. The problem is, I'm stuck with the decision I make for five years, if I buy. Leasing is another option, but I've worked it out, and I come out worse off at the end.
So, yeah, there's not much else to write about - I haven't really done anything else. Work is it's usual variable self. I've worked a bit of overtime, but not too much.
The only thing left to talk about is the break-up. The Friday before the break-up was my first indication that things were headed for another downward turn. I'd been riding high, happy and satisfied with the relationship for several weeks, following another negative period. Perhaps I was riding too high, as I neglected to properly plan the week with JW. I have a tendancy to plan events that must occur on certain days before events that can occur on any day, and I foolishly planned our hang-out day for Friday, not realizing that she might be busy (or tired). We argued on the phone about seeing each other - I was defensive at first because I was often bothered by the fact that she never liked to plan things in advance. I felt "I told you so"-ish - this is what happens when you don't plan. In the end, I felt bad about it, because I realized that I had "dictated terms" to her that week. We didn't hang out on Friday - JW went to see her parents.
On Saturday, we saw each other in the afternoon, to get groceries and eat dinner at the Chinese place on Quinpool. Unbeknownst to us, it would be our last "happy" day together. After dinner, we want back to JW's place and waited for her friend, BE to come over. We had a nice hug and kiss before I left, and things seemed good.
Sunday, I headed over to her place after lunch. The say started off well, with JW telling me about all the fun she'd had at an art/music event the prior evening. Then, I told her about my evening - five of us drinking at TA's, acting like total children - it's something I'd rather forget. Discussing my evening got us talking about our relationship and it very quickly changed the mood of the afternoon. I still feel guilty about bringing it up, and I question whether bringing it up served any constructive purpose at all. I feel guilty that I messed up what turned out to be our last chance to have a nice day together - something that I most likely never will have a chance to rectify. It wasn't a good last day.
We tried to watch The Departed, but it stressed JW out and she didn't feel well (I think she was nervous about us as well). I was stressed out by the conversation we'd had. After an awkward few minutes of cuddling, I left for dinner at my parents'.
It was quite late on Monday by the time I talked to JW. I got from her tone that things were not good, and I feared an end to our relationship the next day. She said she potentially had something to do at the school Thursday evening, which I took as further evidence to support my case. I also found out that she planned on going away to her cottage for the long weekend with her parents, as camp had been cancelled (we were going to go to camp together). This disappointed me further because I felt like I'd been robbed of an exiting event I was very much looking forward to, only to be told that I wouldn't be seeing JW at all instead - quite a swing.
All of this led me to prepare for the worst Tuesday evening. JW got home early, and I went over early, but I didn't take that to mean anything. I was happy I was going to be able to see her for more than a couple of hours. I hadn't slept at her place in a week, so I was optimistically excited as I arrived.
The second clue I didn't get came in the form of a chat in the living room. JW talked about her day, as did I, and things seemed normal enough. Then she dropped the bomb, "I think we need to stop seeing each other for a while." I didn't react strongly - I'd sort of expected it, I was sort of in shock, and I was waiting to hear what she meant by "for a while." "For a while" means that we're going to be dating other people, and if somehow our paths cross again down the road, so be it. Neither of us think it terribly likely, but the possibility exists.
Following the "bomb," I think I went deeper into shock, as we calmly sat and listed reasons why it was a good idea (to make us feel better about it, I guess). I took the chance to say everything I hadn't said, and it turned out that many of the things that bothered me also bothered her. She said that the events of Saturday evening hadn't precipitated the break-up, but I found it hard to believe they hadn't played a role, and so I felt directly responsible for causing the break-up (though I realize that it would've happened anyway).
We'd both been on the fence about breaking up with one another for quite some time. A month earlier, I'd seriously considered it, but at that time, I decided to reward myself with the summer before making the call. I felt that the summer, with JW off work, would've been good for really taking a close look at our relationship. With weddings to go to, a potential long trip and our first experiences together as a couple during the summer months, I felt that it would aid significantly in making a decision. We'd done none of these things before, and they are things that real couples do. I also eagerly looked forward to celebrating her birthday, as we were between relationships for it last year.
So, it's easy to see that I was initially disappointed by JW's timing. I still am. I felt like I'd struggled through the winter months, only to have my summer robbed of me, just as it approached. However, I came to realize that there were advantages to the timing. It's spring - so I'm naturally happy that summer is approaching (though less happy than usual). The leaves are just coming out, the days are very long, and the days after the break-up were the first hot ones of the year. Breaking up in the fall would've been much worse - with dark evenings and winter approaching.
After our long chat, I solemnly packed my things up in my bag. I looked at my clothes in the bag - they reminded me of the excitement I'd felt for spending the night at JW's. I packed up my pillow and several books I'd leant her. Then, I took a look at her place - the bathroom, the stairs, the living room and her room. I very much wanted not to forget it. I was sad I wouldn't be again smelling the piss in the stairwell or her cat's litter box. I was sad I wouldn't again be taking a shower in her God-forsaken old-fashioned tub. I was sad I wouldn't again be seeing her messy room. Maybe I will see these things again, but it won't be for a very long time (an ex-boyfriend coming over his ex-girlfriend's house isn't a good idea, for the first little while). I took time to hold her nassak, which I'd hated then later come to love - it defined her. I looked at her shoes, the old, beaten-up ones she wouldn't stop wearing. I took a couple of pictures and asked her to send them to me.
Finally, I decided enough was enough, and I headed down the stairs. She followed me down, and we hugged and kissed one last time in her entryway. Emotions finally ran high - we hugged for quite a while. Then, I turned and went outside, a complete mess, and took my bike down to the sidewalk. I turned around one last time, to see her peering through the door - it was absolutely terrible.
I managed to get home on the bike, but just barely. The evening was very bad - I hardly slept.
The following morning was just as bad. I was angry, not at her, but at the fact that it was over. I was angry I couldn't just go over and give her a hug. I repeatedly thought about our final moments, all the things we had planned, and her. Everything reminded me of her - I simply couldn't escape - yogurt, a hair found in the washroom, my copies of the Coast on the floor, my shampoo, songs on my MP3 player, pictures and drawings in my room, the outdoors (in particular, trees - why do I live in the city of trees? :)).
Over the next week and a half, the anger went away, and only occasional sadness now remains. I've done a lot of analyzing, and I realize new things about our relationship every day. It's much clearer now than it ever was while it was going on. I believe we've done the right thing. I feel no negative feelings toward JW. She seems to think that she's somehow "damaged" me, but I don't think that's the case at all.
I made a list of the things that had bothered me about her, and it was quite extensive, though very few were major issues. I feel free of the uncertainty these issues caused - something I've dealt with for months. I'm excited by the prospect of building a new relationship with someone else (mostly because change is sometimes exciting, not because I know it will be better - I really won't know that until the time comes).
I've spent a few days scanning the dating sites. I'm finding that there is a serious lack of quality out there. JW is a wonderful person, and I find that comparing her to the "candidates" online leaves me disappointed. Physically, I really, really liked her, so I'm initially looking for women of a similar physical build. This is difficult, because there aren't that many women out there as tall as she (I've only come across a handful).
Well, to come to yet another end, I'm thankful for the time I got to spend with JW. I think we could've built a long-term relationship together, had we really worked at it, but that probably wouldn't have been in our best interest. We're still fairly young - we have time to spare to look for that "perfect" match - there's no need to settle. This is of course assuming that this "perfect" match exists :) Still, I feel old, and I feel like I should be having children now - I believe I am ready. I'm discouraged by the fact that it will take me at least a year to build another serious relationship, and in all likelihood, it will be longer than that.
OK, what else has happened recently? Well, my first golf round at Airlane was a disaster. My swing was all out of whack - I constantly pulled the ball way left - and I mean WAY left. I think I yelled "fore" five times! I wound up tying my worst score of all time on the course. Fortunately, my next round at Indian Lake was much better. I found a flaw in my swing, that, once corrected, yielded straighter shots. I made a few costly errors, but wound up with an acceptable score. I made a birdie each of my first two rounds!
I don't know when my next entry will be - I've decided I'm going to move to a more ad-lib approach. Stay tuned for further adventures in the life of LW.
Oh, by the way, there is meaning to the title of this entry. It's the title of an old Star Trek episode, where a civilization is discovered living inside a hollow asteroid. "The creators," who built the asteroid, made the inner surface of the outer shell of the asteroid look like a sky, complete with moving sun. They also created a religion for the people to follow, and one of the rules is that they're not allowed to climb the mountains (or do anything else that might allow them to discover their situation).
Well, an old man does climb a mountain, and when he quite literally touches the sky, he discovers the true nature of his world. He is killed by the creators for his disobedience, but the discovery leads to his people learning a great deal about themselves, just as I have done over the past fifteen months.
I’m currently listening to: Someone Great, from Sound of Silver by LCD Soundsystem. This song is about breaking up, and though the lyrics are cheesy, I very much identify with what is said. It ends with, "when someone great is gone...." I think it will be my theme song for breaking up with JW (just like Orbital's Transient (from The Blue Album) is the theme for my grandfather's death).
Movies watched since last entry: none.
